So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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