Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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