dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
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