I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
