Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
