i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
