Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
