Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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