3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
