awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
