I only kidnapped one of them. chill
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
whose parrot is this?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Please don't give away my fajitas
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize