I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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