my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
