i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
