My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
