Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
