When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
