In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
