I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
