I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I supernannyed him into submission
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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