My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
