Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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