the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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