I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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