Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
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Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
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When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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