I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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