I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
