I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
