So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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