I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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