I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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