I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
