he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
