I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
