I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I can't turn off my feet"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
