my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
