I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
