So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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