Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
