On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
