and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
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Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
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I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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