Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
