dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
