i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
