I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
