Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
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