it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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