i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
