our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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