it wasn't lemon gatorade
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
