i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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