Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
