Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
