I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
