I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Is it because I queefed?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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